


The origins of a blood mage

by Fade_and_loathing_in_thedas



Series: Akroma Amell [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Blood Mages (Dragon Age), Blood Magic, Dissociation, F/M, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Mage (Dragon Age) Rights, Mage-Templar Dynamics (Dragon Age), Male-Female Friendship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Templars (Dragon Age)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:54:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26914732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fade_and_loathing_in_thedas/pseuds/Fade_and_loathing_in_thedas
Summary: Mage Origin Story.Each night she dreams of a voice. It calls to her, promising safety and an escape from the circle. Whether it's her friend, or foe, she has yet to grasp.One morning she awakens from the dream only to be immediately summoned by the Knight Commander. Fear grips her, and a coldness washes over her—not the numbing cold she so often sought, but the sudden icy flow of despair. Her apprenticeship is over. She is going to be sent into the Fade.She has been told she must face the demon alone, but the voice from her dream is there. Whether it will lead her to ruin, or victory, she does not know. Either way, she must prevail... or she will surely die.
Series: Akroma Amell [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1964767
Kudos: 4





	1. The Harrowing

**Author's Note:**

> Planning to update weekly :)

She had the dream again. She was running through the forest, it's night and a voice is calling to her. 

_"I'll give you all you've been dreaming of. You'll be safe. I promise. Just let me in..."_

She never knows whether she is running to it or from it. The melodic voice would grow louder, more insistent, and she would run faster until she'd find herself standing on the edge of a cliff. She'd stop, look down and suddenly she'd be awake. Each time she'd awaken unsettled. The dream meant something, but what she didn't know.

The other mages were already dressed and heading to breakfast. She took a few moments to calm her nerves. Jowan would save her a place and grab her some food before it all disappeared.

She was still sitting on her bed and all alone when the Templar walked in. Involuntarily, her hands tightened into fists on her lap. 

Akroma stood, straight and graceful, her face as blank as those of the tranquil. Emotion, she had learned from an early age, was a weakness that one could not afford to show in the Circle Tower.

Akroma took a deep breath and forced a smile. "Good Morning, Sir Knight. How can I help you?"

The Templar studied her a moment before answering "The Knight Commander has ordered that you to be taken to the Tower."

With a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, she chose her nexts words with care. "Do I have a moment to dress?" It was dangerous to anger a Templar, even in the smallest way.

The Templar nodded, but did not move from where he stood stationed at the door.

Dutifully, Akroma gathered her clothes and dressed, her face a calm mask while inside she wanted to scream and weep.

She let her gaze shift to the window, where the early morning mist had frosted against the glass. She called upon the chill in the air and let it soak into her skin and her whole being.

Once dressed the Templar directed her to follow. 

Akroma felt her heart beating hard and fast against her ribs with each step she took away from the safety of common areas. He opened the locked door that led up the Tower and gestured for her to enter. Calmly, she began the climb. The clacking of her shoes on the stone unnaturally loud in the silence of the winding staircase. By the time anybody noticed her disappearance, it would be too late.

In what felt like both forever and no time at all they finally reached the top. Akroma forced her back to remain straight as she waited patiently for the Templar to open the final door. With purposeful steps he guided her into the room.

Knight Commander Gregoire stood at the centre of the room, with another five Templars stationed at strategic points. Another, much slimmer figure was standing behind the Knight Commander. Akroma recognized the familiar shape of Irving, and, with a sigh of relief, she walked to the centre of the room. For a moment, Akroma allowed herself to relax. 

Then the Knight Commander spoke.

"Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him. Thus spoke the prophet Andraste as she cast down the Tevinter Imperium, ruled by mages who had brought the world to the edge of ruin." Icy apprehension replaced the slither of relief that she had been feeling. "Your magic is a gift, but it is also a curse. For demons of the dream realm, the fade, are drawn to you and seek to use you as a gateway into this world"

The First Enchanter stepped closer to her. His voice took on a mellow tone as he explained "This is why the Harrowing exists. The ritual sends you into the fade, and there you will face a demon armed with only your will." Irving took Akroma's hand in his and squeezed her fingers. The warmth seeping into her skin made her flinch. Warmth, she knew, was an illusion. It was better to reach for the cold, to cloak herself in ice. Feelings made one vulnerable, and Akroma could not afford vulnerability. Therefore she stood unmoving, proud and erect, until his hand dropped away and something like sorrow shadowed his eyes.

Despite the fear that gripped her heart, her voice remained calm, without the hint of a quaver. "I'm ready"

The Knight Commander stepped forward. "Know this apprentice, if you fail, we Templars will perform our duty. You will die"

She looked to the Templars standing guard. Watching her coldly. Akroma's lips turned up in a humorless smile. No. She would find no compassion there. They would strike her down without a thought.

The Knight Commander gestured to a small altar, placed in the very centre of the room. "This is lyrium. The very essence of magic, and your gateway into the fade."

"The Harrowing is a secret out of necessity, child. Every mage must go through this trial by fire. As we succeeded, so shall you"

His hand cupped her cheek, warming her skin."Keep your wits about you and remember, the fade is a realm of dreams. The spirits may rule, but your own will is real" 

The Knight Commander, who until now had held a respectful silence, interrupted them. "The apprentice must go through the test alone, First Enchanter." Irving's hand dropped away. 

The Knight Commander turned to Akroma and said "You are ready." Akroma nodded, and with determination she headed towards the altar, her shoulders straight and her face a calm mask.

Akroma forced her trembling hand into the bowl of lyrium. Immediately she felt a rush of power, so immense it was dizzying, before suddenly the darkness held out its arms and swallowed her up.


	2. The Fade

Akroma awoke, or maybe she didn't. Shadows loomed ahead of her, dark and menacing. She watched as indistinct shapes and shades of gray began to form a landscape. A forest grown out of shadows. Untouched trees reached high, and below, bushes formed a seemingly impregnable wall. Just like in her dream. 

And just like in her dream she could hear a voice, but unlike in her dream it was a whisper at the edge of her mind. An echo barely heard. She had to strain to hear it.

 _"I won't say you're safe this time. The demons are calling, they'll eat your soul."_ It whispered.

Akroma felt her heart beating hard and fast against her ribs. She wanted to scream and to cover her ears. It won't. No. She wouldn't let it take her. Akroma clenched her jaw and forced the terrible pictures aside.

_"Watch and keep your wits. Kind smiles are bared teeth"_

Akroma's fingers curled into fists until her nails bit into the tender skin of her palms. The pain helped her to concentrate, to force down the fear.

Then a voice from the shadows diverted her attention "Ah, someone else who's been thrown to the wolves." She looked around for the source. Then she saw a mouse come scurrying from beneath a bush. "As fresh and unprepared as ever." It was the mouse. The mouse was speaking. "It isn't right that they do this, the Templars. Not to you, me, anyone."

"You're a mouse, a mouse who speaks." This had never been in her dream before.

"You think you're really here? In that body? You look like that because you _think_ you do." The mouse scoffed, then with a sigh said "It's always the same. But it's not your fault. You're in the same boat I was, aren't you?"

In a blinding flash, the mouse transformed into a man. A pale young man with green eyes and tousled blond locks. He had a kind, round face, which had not yet lost the chubbiness of adolescence, and was dressed in an apprentice's robe. 

"Allow me to welcome you to the fade. You may call me… well, Mouse" he said with an amused smile.

"I assume, that is not your real name" 

"No. I don't remember anything from... before." His voice hardened, and the breath hitched in his throat." The Templars kill you if you take too long, you see. They figure you failed, and don't want something getting out" 

His face took on a pasty color. For a moment, it looked like he would be sick. "That's what they did to me. I think." Then his face turned into a granite mask, devoid of all expression "I no longer have a body to reclaim…" His gaze studied her intensely, but instead of burning with an emotion, they were flat and dead. "And you don't have much time before you end up the same"

"I will not allow that to happen to me" she said quietly. She was a survivor. Despite everything she survived, and, she would survive this. 

"That has been said before, but you do not know the dangers"—he threw a look over his shoulder—“ There is something here, contained, for an apprentice. You have to face the creature, a demon, and resist it. If you can."

Mouse narrowed his eyes, "That is your way out. Or your opponent's." then with an artificial laugh he said "If the Templars don't kill you first. A test for you, a tease for the creatures of the fade."

"Anything can die. I doubt it's as simple as that" Akroma stated. 

"You would be a fool to kill everything you see. What you face is powerful, cunning. There are others here. Spirits. They will tell you more, help maybe." A mocking smile crossed his lips, "If you can believe anything you see"

Mouse briefly rubbed a hand over his face before he looked up and said with a kind smile "I'll follow, if that's alright. My chance was long ago, but you… you may have a way out.". 

He seemed harmless enough, so she didn't argue. 

Then in a flash, he was a mouse again.

Akroma searched for a way forward. She observed there was a path hidden behind a curtain of greenery, which had rendered it almost invisible. She could feel the dark menace that emanated from it, a bleakness that seemed to have seeped into the land itself. Nevertheless, it was the only visible path, and she had limited time. 

Akroma picked her way through, Mouse close on her heels. She walked carefully, of course, mindful of the thorny branches which lay waiting to trap the folds of her robe. 

The mist was very dark here, white and wet, and cobwebs adorned gaunt tree trunks and bare branches. Despite the mist, it wasn't cold. It wasn't anything. Only still and secret and private, a hushed world within a dream.

As she made her way down the path she could see small balls of lights dancing between the branches. Wisps, she believed they were called. She had read about them. They were remnants of a spirit, no longer fully formed, but a sliver of an idea. According to her studies, they should be attacking her. But instead they just fluttered about, most barely seemed to notice her. 

One in particular fascinated her, and she found her gaze seeking it out as she walked the path. It seemed to be following her. She didn't know how she knew it was the same wisp, they all looked the same, but something about it felt familiar. How very curious.

After some time the trees thinned out, and Akroma stepped out into a clearing. In the centre stood an imposing form, made entirely of light. A spirit of the fade, she suspects. It shone bright against the dim gray of this world.

Then the voice whispered again. _"Help is ahead… or perhaps it's your doom. But you'll never know if you don't ask."_ It was a voice that you felt you had to listen to—or you ignored at your own peril. 

Akroma squared her shoulders. Determinedly, she walked towards the spirit. Behind her, the forest path faded and became nothing but shadow.


	3. Valor

Akroma stopped dead. The metallic taste of remembered fear filled her mouth. The sound of armoured boots closing in, ready to sink their blades into flesh and bone, overwhelmed her. She could almost see ruby droplets blooming on the stone floor of the Tower. 

"Another mortal thrown into the flames and left to burn, I see." The spirit shook its head."Your mages have devised a cowardly test. Better you were pitted against each other to prove your mettle with skill, than to be sent unarmed against a demon"

Akroma blinked. Yet, it still stood before her. A spirit, but also a Templar. Or maybe it just appeared as one. Either way she stood frozen. It was watching her. Waiting for her to respond. It's hand rested on its blade casually. Akroma looked at it. Or perhaps it was threateningly.

She curled her fingers into tight balls. Her nails dug into the flesh of her palms, but she welcomed the pain. It calmed the tremors. Steadily, she took a deep breath. It did not matter whether it was real or not. Nothing mattered baring survival. Templar or spirit, this thing could help her. Subtly, she straightened her shoulders and looked it straight in the eyes. With some suspicion, she asked "You know why I'm here?"

"You are not the first sent here for such testing. Nor shall you be the last I suspect." It said with a huff. A swift stab of compassion made her heart clench. No, she wouldn't be the last. "That you remain means you have not yet defeated your hunter. I wish you a glorious battle to come"

Akroma's gaze shifted to the display of glittering and golden weapons of light that blazed behind the spirit, filling the clearing with an eerie glow. "Did you create all these weapons"

She watched as it squared its shoulders. "They are brought into being by my will." The question seemed to have affronted it. "I understand that in _your_ world, mages are the only ones who can will things into being." Then, in almost an afterthought, it said "Those mortals who cannot, must lead such hollow empty lives"

Perhaps, but they had freedom. A mage did not.

Then the reason why the voice would send her here, despite the risk, came to her. "Would any of these weapons affect the demon?" She asked. 

"Without a doubt." It answered proudly. "In this realm, everything that exists is the expression of a thought. Do you think these blades be steel? These staves wood? A weapon is a single need for battle and my will makes that need a reality"

The spirit cocked it's head, considering her. "Do you truly desire one of my weapons?"

Akroma nodded, well aware that the golden shade regarded her every move, but gave it nothing else. Any sign of weakness might be deadly—it was a lesson she had learned well in her years at the Circle. If it believed her desperate, or too eager, it may ask for a boon it felt she had no choice but to give.

"I will give one to you… if you agree to a duel with me first. Valor shall test your mettle, as it should be tested"

Long ago, she’d learned of a Templar's perversity; reveling in a mage's fear, while delighting in their shows of defiance. An icy fist clenched around her chest, and pressed the air from her lungs. It means to kill me. She was mage, not a warrior. She would not stand a chance against it, with its armour and combat skill.

Akroma closed her eyes and forced herself to take a deep breath. To push down the fear, the helplessness. But at the same time as air filled her lungs, ice filled her veins. All the fear and horror seemed to slide off her and was replaced by a crystal-clear coolness. Even here, in the fade, Templar's toy with mages like a cat that's trapped a mouse. The anger she felt didn't burn. No, it froze. 

When she spoke, her words had a frosty clarity, "It seems you would prefer to kill me yourself" 

"How dare you accuse me!" The spirit seemed suddenly bigger, looming over her more closely—and more ominously—than she’d realized. "I am not a demon preying on helpless mortals to steal their essence. I am a being of honour and valor. I am a warrior."

Bitterness made her laugh. She saw the truth of it. Like a Templar, it wanted her to flinch, to cower. To beg forgiveness for the slight to it's, so called, honor. It sought it's satisfaction through her fear. Oh, the hypocrisy. 

With her head held high she stepped closer, refusing to be cowered. "Then prove it" She said, her voice as cold as ice.

"You are insolent. But your will is unquestionably strong." The spirit said, begrudgingly, before turning to pull a staff from the display. "Very well mortal. You have proven to me that you have the strength to resist the demon." 

Akroma accepted the staff with a humorless smile. "Thank you, Sir Knight, for your gracious gift"

"Go prove your worth, as you must, I am confident you will succeed." The spirit turned its back on Akroma. Her presence, already forgotten.

Yes. She would pass this trial and if not… It did not bear thinking about.


	4. Sloth

The path dived deep into the forest, and the dark trees closed in on them. The air was filled with the scent of wet earth and rotting leaves. 

Overhead, the tops of the trees touched intimately, while under their feet dead leaves rustled—or perhaps it was the whispering of spirits, quietly conversing among themselves. For a breathless moment Akroma felt as if caught in a nightmare. It made her hasten her steps, until she was almost running.

As she made her way through, the bare branches seemed to move and wave. As if touched by ghostly fingers. Dead leaves swirled up, some still colored, but most already gray with decay and gossamer like spiderwebs. Mere skeletons of once green leaves, which crumbled into dust in the breeze. 

Her breath hitched in her throat as she inhaled the musty smell of decay, overlaid with the fresh tang of earth. Her heart pounded in her ears like a drum. This was cursed soil, where everything would blacken and wither.

The path began to curve and twist. Akroma felt exhaustion creeping upwards from her feet, trickling through veins and muscles, leaving numbness behind. A split opened in the greenery to reveal a twisted statue. At its base, lay a monstrous bearlike creature. It appeared to be sleeping.

An eerie silence descended, and a feeling of unease washed over her, stronger than before, and left her so weak-kneed she nearly stumbled.

"Hmmmm… so you are the mortal being hunted? And the small one… is he to be a snack for me?"

Mouse suddenly appeared by her side, in his human form. "I don't like this," he whispered. "He is not going to help us. We should go…"

The great breast sniffed "No matter, the demon will get you eventually," and stretched it's paws out "and perhaps there will even be scrapes left"

"What kind of spirit are you?" 

Mouse hissed, "It is a demon!" as he huddled against her side.

"I am a spirit of sloth," the beast yawned, "a creature of the fade… unlike yourself. Mortals are only ever visitors here. Still, you serve a function. It's only mortals, such as yourself, that are truly annoying" 

"Mortals like myself?" 

"You are… aware. A mortal with power and will. The sort that some spirits… hunger for. I might be so inclined for such a meal myself... but I am disinclined to begin such a struggle."

"Lucky me" Akroma muttered.

"Indeed" It answered.

"Begone, mortal." The beast groaned, as it nestled into its bed of dead leaves "Surely you have better things to do than bother Sloth." It let out a yawn, and murmured "I tire of you already." before burying it's face into its paws, and promptly went to sleep.

She stood frozen, besieged by the ominous thought that if she left she would lose something of great value, but knowing that were she to stay it could mean her death.

In the back of her mind she heard the melodic voice whisper _"Death is a risk regardless. Do you truly wish to leave without learning what it could offer?"_ It was both taunting, and tempting. 

"It may be even more powerful than the one that hunts you, we should go" Mouse pleaded.

Akroma swallowed. Her gaze darted between the path that led away, and the sleeping beast.

 _"Things are not always as they appear to be… "_ the voice sang _"Curiosity creates possibilities, and opportunities."_

The voice lent her courage, and she looked down at the beast, "I need help defeating the demon."

"You have a very nice staff," the beast yawned, "why would you need me? Go," it dismissed "use your weapon, since you have earned it. Be valorous"

"He does look powerful. It might be possible that he could… teach you to be like him" Mouse suggested.

"Like me? You mean teach the mortal to take this form?" It studied Akroma, "Most mortals are too attached to their forms to learn to change." Then it shifted its attention to Mouse "You, on the other hand, little one, might be a better student. You let go of your human form years ago."

Mouse shook his head, and sputtered "I… I d-don't think… um... I w-wouldn't make a very good bear, how would I hide?" 

"You could help me defeat the demon." Akroma suggested.

"It is true." The beast boasted, "I am quite powerful in this form… when I choose to be" 

"I welcome the opportunity." He sounded, well, he sounded almost excited about the prospect. How very curious. For someone who wanted to flee only moments ago, he certainly jumped at the chance for some power.

"That's nice… but teaching is so exhausting." It waved its paws in a shooing motion "Away with you now" then settled back down to sleep.

Mouse turned to her, and grumbled "I told you he wasn't going to help us" But, Akroma persisted. "Mouse wants to learn, teach him"

It raised its head "You wish to learn my form, little one?" Then with a monstrous amalgamation of a grin said "Then I have a challenge for your friend. Answer three riddles correctly, and I will teach you. Fail and I will devour you both." Instinctively, she took a step back. It made the beast chuckle. "The decision is yours"

Suddenly, she felt like prey, well and truly snared by something far bigger and far more dangerous than she. Her options were limited. It was clear the beast meant to make a meal of them. Even if it was disinclined to take it by force. She blinked, an outrageous idea was forming. It could be the answer. It was a risky, desperate plan, but it was something. It was a chance. 

Akroma switched her tactics, smiling at the beast, her voice turning sly. “I think you will teach Mouse," she said. Watching the beast closely "I think you will teach him, so I'll stop bothering you"

The beast sighed in annoyance "I suppose this to mean you intend to pester me endlessly" With a huff it asked "And what's to stop me from killing you?

"You would have to catch me, you’d have to get up."

The beast stared up at her. It's gaze piecing. After what seemed like ages or perhaps no time at all, it sighed "Fine, you win. I shall teach the mouse to be more than he his." 

It took only a moment, but what was a moment in a dream, and Mouse had learnt the transformation. "Like this? Am I a bear?" He looked nothing like the monstrous horror that was Sloth, but he was definitely a bear.

"Close enough." the beast sighed. "Go, then, and defeat your demon… or whatever you intend to do." Yawning, it burrowed into its nest, "I grow weary of your mortal prattle."

And then, the strangest thing happened. Akroma laughed. The tight ball of tension in the pit of her stomach was suddenly gone. Her lips curved into a satisfied smile. She had won. She outsmarted the beast.

She felt she had crossed some kind of invisible line. Discovered some place inside her, she never thought existed. It's a strange place. It's a place where dreams, and whispered words led her to consider nothing of a risk, not when the reward was so much greater.

Turning she walked away and down the next path. It was time to face her demon.


	5. Rage

Time continued in a peculiar pace where it alternated between rolling together in rapidly passing moments and dragging at a never-ending pace. The knowledge that every step she took brought her closer to her final trial and potential death at the forefront of her mind. Perhaps they had long slipped through the web of time and now were doomed to walk for all eternity.

From behind her Mouse called, "The Demon is ahead. Be ready"

The trees began to thin out, and the faintest tinge of smoke lingered in the air. A shiver of apprehension snaked along her spine. “Don’t be silly,” she murmured into the quiet. With long, brisk steps, she made her way down the path, and with every step taken, that metallic bite thickened. It grew, until it permeated the air, thick as death. The taste of it filled her mouth, bile began to climb up her throat. Mixed with the sulfurous stench was a dry heat wafting in the air.

She continued, picking her way through the undergrowth as the path slowly opened up into something larger. Crimson flames illuminated the clearing, in a bright glow of false daylight.

The trees stood tall and at places trunk by trunk, branches intertwining. They framed the clearing, creating a faux arena. Flames licked at the branches of the tree, burning but not destroying. The orange glow added to the horrific ambience.

"So now you it comes to me, at last " A voice called from the shadows. "Soon I shall enter the land of the living, with your eyes, creature. You shall be mine, body and soul" 

All she could see in the tree line was a dark shadow with red goat-slitted eyes. All Akroma’s senses went on alert, as fear slithered through her.

"So this creature is your offering mouse, another plaything, as per our arrangement" 

Akroma shot Mouse a sidelong glance, a flash of ice blue suspicion.

"I'm not offering you anything." Mouse stepped forward, "I don't have to help you anymore"

"Oh, and after all the wonderful meals we've shared." It chuckled, unearthly and satisfied. "Now suddenly the mouse has changed the rules"

"I'm not a mouse now. And soon I won't have to hide. I don't need to bargain with you!"

"We shall see…"

Her heart battered against her ribs, her breath stalled as she gazed up into its laughing, smiling eyes...eyes that glowed crimson and cruel.

Then, like specters from the dark maw of the forest, they came. At first, nothing but ghostly lights in the smoke, then came the blood-curdling howls. Wolves. Here to do the demon's bidding.

Snarling, and snapping they moved closer, circling. Akroma drew her staff and called to the cold inside her until it formed a corona of magic and surrounded her like a barrier. Then focusing her energy she channeled that power through her staff, and the icy aura around her suddenly burst out in all directions. Instantly the entire arena was filled with a freezing storm. Wind and snow blew in all directions, and the temperature dropped so rapidly that one would be able to see their own breath.

Despite all this, the preternatural flames stayed burning.

Buffered by the winds and snow the wolves slowed, some even freezing in place. In her palm a ball of white energy began to form. Then she sent it flying at the closest wolf. It turned to ice. Then with a swing of her staff, she shattered the creature.

Chancing a glance, she saw Mouse tearing into two wolves. His claws ripping through flesh, or what appeared to be flesh. She doubted anything in the fade was made of flesh and blood, despite appearances.

That short distraction cost her. Akroma missed a step, and one of the wolves slashed at her side. Stifling a groan, she stumbled, and then quickly righting herself, she danced out of the wolf’s reach.

Slamming her staff into the ground a blast of energy sent the wolves surrounding her flying back. While they lay stunned she raised her staff above her head, the stone at its tip flaring as a wave of necrotic energy encompassed the area. The wolves twitched and jerked on the ground as she used their life force to heal herself. 

Suddenly she became a whirling blur of motion, calling on the very essence of the fade to deliver death to all that had dared attack her, until nothing remained.

The blizzard began to dissipate, and a hush descended over the arena. The only sound was Mouse’s labored breathing.

"Is that it? What about your meal, demon!" 

Smoke filled the clearing, clouding the air around her, making it impossible to see so much as five feet in front of her. The thick smoke and heat choked off all attempts to gasp a clean breath. She squinted and, through the thick of it, attempted to gather her bearings.

Suddenly the demon was smirking down at her. Akroma stared back and saw her death in the creature’s eyes. Her eyes went wide with disbelief. Where did it come from? This is it. This is how I die. She heard a ferocious growl. Then, Mouse charged, slamming his whole body into the demon. 

The demon let out an ungodly roar. It echoed in the clearing and the ground shook. The flames burning bright on the bare branches of the tree began to spread. Traveling down the trunks and creating trails of fire all over the arena. There was no escape.

The demon raised its arms and fire began to rain down on the arena. The heat was suffocating. For a moment she couldn’t breathe. The flames licked at the hem of the robe. Quickly, muttered a few words, and instead of engulfing her completely, the flames struck an invisible barrier.

The demon spun angrily on Mouse then, its mouth open wide and ready to sink its teeth into his flesh.

She was pale and sweating, with dark circles under her eyes from the exhaustion. Sweat dripped from her brow and streaked down her face. Her eyes stung; her opponent’s visage blurred before her. Yet she knew she must continue. It was her life in the balance after all. Whispering arcane words under her breath she drew the power from the fade into her staff. Landeding blow after blow on the demon. Breathing hard and fast, Akroma unleashed all her fury. All her rage and horror, turning it loose upon her opponent. 

She called upon the coolness that lingered at her core, upon the essence of the fade that surrounded her, and channelled it into her staff. A frigid beam of blue-white light streaked toward the demon. It was only for a moment, but the spell had encased the demon in ice. But it was enough. Mouse slammed his arm into the demon and they both watched it awe as it shattered.

For a moment she almost couldn’t believe it. They had won. Soot stained her cheeks. The hem of her robe had been charred black. The pungent scent of smoke and fire clung to her hair, and her throat ached, but they had won.

Then she noticed the sound of quiet footsteps approaching and twisted around to see what it was. 

"You did it. You actually did it!" 

She let out a breath of relief. It was just Mouse.

"When you came, I hoped that maybe you might be able to… but I never thought any of you were really worthy"

With the battle finally over, the demon's earlier revelation returned to her. "Sounds like your help was unusual. Why? Why did you help _me_?"

Mouse's answer was nervous, clipped. "Uh, you… you made me believe in you. They never stood a chance. I do regret my part in it, but you have shown me there is hope."

Her fists tightened until her nails bit into the soft skin of her palms. With shame, she realised that she understood. In fact, she was no better than Mouse. She’d always thought of herself as a survivor. She turned herself to ice and survived, while others fought and suffered around her. The truth, she realised, was sick and ugly. She was a coward. Too afraid to feel, to fight, to take a risk. But not anymore. 

"It's okay, Mouse. I understand. So what happens now?"

In quiet amazement Mouse said, "You defeated the demon, you completed your test, and in time, you may even become Master Enchanter with no equal." He shifted awkwardly on his feet. "And maybe, there is hope in that for someone as small and as… forgotten as me. If you want to help. There may be for me to leave here. You just need to let me in" 

Instinctively she took a step back. Those words. Just like in her dreams. _Let me in. You just need to let me in._

"I'm starting to think the other demon wasn't my test"

"What? What are you… of course it was, what else here could harm an apprentice of your potential?" 

The voice's earlier warning came to her, _"Watch and keep your wits. Kind smiles are bared teeth."_ The only kind smile she encountered here was from her companion. Everything else had wanted to make her a meal…. and apparently so did he.

Akroma’s lips turned up in a humorless smile "Were you ever really an apprentice, or was it all lies?"

An amused, mocking laugh burst from his lips. Mouse clapped his hands together with slow, precise movements. "Oh you are a smart one…" his voice deepened, echoing in the chilling silence "Simple killing is a warriors job, the real dangers of the fade are preconceptions, careless trust… pride" 

She watched on in horror as her friend, the quiet and nervous Mouse, transformed into a monstrous demon. A new shaft of fear darted through Akroma as she became aware once again how very vulnerable she was. He towered over her. 

"Keep your wits about you mage. True tests _never_ end"

A hauntingly prophetic note hung on those words.

Suddenly, everything became hazy. Akroma's legs buckled and she stretched her hand out, searching for something, anything, to keep her stable, but found no purchase. She collapsed onto her knees. The world was fading around her, turning into darkness and shadow, and she was being sucked into it. And the only sound, Mouse’s mocking laughter.


	6. Jowan

A familiar voice pulled Akroma from her slumber into full, unwelcome consciousness. "Are you alright? Say something, please…" 

"Jowan? Is that you?" 

Akroma struggled to open her eyes and when she did, promptly closed them against the sun streaming through the windows. She felt heavy, lethargic. A result of the raw lyrium, she suspected.

"Oh, thank goodness. I was so worried when they carried you in this morning," through her squinted eyes, she could see Jowan was pacing the room, "Irving explained it you were taken for your Harrowing, but I had feared the worst when you never arrived for breakfast" It was all making her dizzy.

She forced her eyes open once more and made a move to push herself up on her elbows. The room spun, but she forced herself to sit up. Then drew her knees to her chest, using them as a cushion for her forehead. Her ears buzzed and the room was swimming. Closing her eyes she drew several long, even breaths. 

"It's fine Jowan. Irving spoke true."

"What was it like? Many apprentice's don't return from their Harrowing. It must have been very dangerous"

"You know I am not allowed to speak about it" she mumbled.

"Please Akroma, we're friends. Just a little hint, and I'll stop asking. I promise!" She looked up and he was staring down at her with those big puppy dog eyes of his. She knew she should say nothing, but she had trouble refusing Jowan at the best of times… and right now she certainly wasn't feeling at her best.

"I really shouldn't but… I had to enter the fade"

"Really? That's it?" He seemed almost disappointed.

"No, I also had to defend myself against demons." Akroma pressed her eyes closed, fighting for a semblance of control. How close she came to failing echoing in her mind. Then, she focused on drawing in slow, even breaths, "If you fail, the Templars kill you." Akroma swallowed. Then she shoved all memories of her Harrowing aside and concentrated on Jowan.

"That… surprisingly makes sense. They must want to ensure you can resist a demon and won't become an abomination"

_"What a gross oversimplification. We are so much more"_

That voice, that melodic, tempting, and taunting voice— _Could it have followed her from the fade? From her dreams?_ Akroma shook her head to chase the unwanted thought away. Her Harrowing was over. She had passed. She wrapped her arms around her body to still their trembling. The voice was not truly there.

"Now you get to move to the nice mage quarters upstairs, abandoning me here. I don't know when they call me for my Harrowing"

A sullen look replaced his former eagerness, making him look like a kick puppy. She rolled her eyes and smiled fondly. A tiny slither of warmth settled in her heart and started to thaw the ice within.

"Any day now would be my guess. We are a well known pair. Irving knows I would be lonely without you"

"I worry that they don't want to test me."

"You're being paranoid, of course they will." 

Jowan began pacing again, his hands twisting his robes in knots. "What if they mean to make me Tranquil? Have you seen Owain? He's so cold. No, not even cold… It's like he's dead, but still walking. He's just empty inside " He had a panicked air she’d never seen from him before. It hit her square in the chest, like a physical blow.

She was across the room in three strides and had him in her arms. Jowan collapsed against her, and she drew him closer.“I-I don't w-want… I-I won't survive.” he whispered into her shoulder. His hands formed fists at her chest. “I know,” she said gently, laying her cheek atop his head. Akroma smoothed her hands over his back the way she once had to urge him to sleep when they were younger.

“Look at me,” she commanded when she saw he had shifted his focus to the floor. He slowly lifted his head. "It will never happen. I promise. I won't let them" 

Jowan laughed, "And what would you do Akroma? Challenge all the Templars to a duel? Maybe set the Tower a flame, a distraction for our daring escape?" However, a catch in his voice rather spoilt the effect. Akroma could have wept for him, but she had learned to act well. So she raised her brows, her face a careful mask of nonchalance "Haven't you heard? I traversed the fade and defeated it's demons. I'm not a mage to be trifled with."

Jowan rolled his eyes, "You are ridiculous, is what you are" and Akroma giggled. Quickly, she went to stifle the sound with a hand over her mouth, but wasn't very successful.

Jowan sent her a wry grin. "And now you're laughing at me."

"No…" Akroma grinned, mischief making her eyes sparkle, "Well only a little."

Jowan stepped back and Akroma watched as a flush of embarrassment stained his cheeks. “Forgive me. I shouldn't have wasted your time with this. I was only meant to tell you that Irving wanted to see you when you awoke” She suspected he felt foolish for the earlier display of emotion. "You better not keep him waiting… but we will speak later?"

"Yes, we will."

Akroma hurried toward the hallway entry. The skin on the back of her neck tingled and an unwelcome thought occurred to her as she was walking away. She paused by the door and turned "Jowan, I hope you know you can always talk to me. Always rely on me, for anything. You're the only family I have left" 

For an infinite moment warm brown eyes just stared back at her, then a small smile graced his lips as he said, "And you're mine"

She nodded once before she veered and disappeared into the hall.


	7. The Warden

Having long ago mastered the art of dwelling in the shadows, Akroma stood in the farthest corner of the First Enchanter's office. Her robe, a muted gray, made her appear like she was a part of the shadows. She hovered alongside the bookshelves and tried to make herself invisible to the Knight Commander, the First Enchanter, and another man. This one a stranger.

"... Many have already gone to Ostagar-- Wynne, Uldred, and most of the senior mages! We've already committed enough of our own to this war effort--" 

"Your own?" The corners of Irving's mouth twisted briefly "Since when have you felt such kinship with the mages Gregoire? Or are you just afraid to let mages out from under Chantry supervision, where they can actually use their Maker-given powers"

From under lowered lashes Akroma watched the men in front of her. The Knight Commander looked ready to explode. Irving smiled mockingly, while the stranger watched on in irritation.

"How dare you suggest--" Angry color rose in the Knight Commander's face, but before he, or Irving, could say anything further, the stranger interrupted, "Gentlemen, please." in an effort to stop the heated discussion. The stranger's eyes widened when he caught sight of Akroma "Irving, it appears someone is here to see you." 

Irving turned to face her, his eyes crinkling with affection

"Is this?" The stranger asked, then he and Irving exchanged a look. A feeling of unease gathered in the pit of Akroma's stomach, along with the certainty that they knew something important pertaining to her future. Finally, Irving answered "Yes, it is"

The Knight Commander gruff voice broke the peculiar silence, "Well, Irving. You're obviously busy," He was watching them all intently, his lips pursed in irritation and his arms crossed in front of his chest. Abruptly, he turned to the First Enchanter and growled "We will discuss this later" before storming from the room.

Irving sighed and muttered, "of course," to the retreating form of the Templar. Then with a bemused expression he turned to Akroma and said "Well then... where was I? Oh, yes. This is Duncan, of the Grey Wardens."

Akroma forced a smile on her face as she stepped towards Irving to greet the Warden. "Pleased to meet you"

"You've heard about the war brewing in the south, I expect?" She nodded and smiled and kept her ignorance to herself. There had not been much news of the outside world shared in the lower quarters. Knowledge of that sort was something that apprentices were seen to have no use for. "Duncan is recruiting mages to join the King's army at Ostagar"

Instinctively, she asked “Why?” Then immediately bit the inside of her cheek, wishing she could call the question back. Questions were dangerous. This, she knew from experience. It was why she had always ensured she appeared both silent and still. That state being the one skill she had truly mastered these past fifteen years. It was the surest way to not attract notice, and to be certain one remained safe from harm. 

“Forgive me,” she said quietly. “I—” The Warden waved off her apology. “There's no need. Mage's are uniquely equipped to combat darkspawn, in fact the power you mage's wield is an asset to any army. Your spells are especially effective against large groups of mindless darkspawn." Then with a sigh said "I fear if we don't drive them back we may see another blight."

"Duncan, you worry the poor girl with talk of blights and darkspawn. This is a happy day for her" Irving positively beamed at her, so proud he was of her achievement.

"We live in troubled times my friend." Duncan stated, his voice grim.

"And we must seize moments of levity, _especially_ in troubled times." Countered Irving. 

With a voice filled with soft affection, Irving took her hand in his. "The harrowing is behind you, child. Your phylactery has been sent to Denerim. You are now officially a mage with the Circle of Magi" Never had it been more difficult to force a smile onto her lips than at that moment. Composure had been easier to gather when they had first dragged her to the Circle. 

"Thank you, First Enchanter" She answered dutifully, her face a calm mask while inside she her blood boiled 

"I'm sorry, what is this phylactery?" Duncan asked.

Akroma snarled, in the silence of her mind, that it was her leash—but she fought the urge to speak. Instead she smiled, her teeth clenched so hard her jaw ached.

"Blood is taken from all apprentices when they first come to the Tower and preserved in special vials" Irving explained. Akroma’s fingers clenched until her nails dug painfully into her palms. 

"So they can be hunted, if they turn apostate?" Duncan questioned.

"We have few choices." Irving said with a solemn sigh "The gift of magic is looked upon with suspicion and fear. We must prove we are strong enough to handle our power responsibly." A palpable hatred burned in her veins. Still, she smiled on, smiled until her cheeks hurt. Smiled until she felt her skin must surely crack. "My child you have done this! And I can now present you with your robes, your staff and a ring bearing the Circle's insignia. Wear them proudly, for you have earned them" 

Akroma accepted the staff and small brown package Irving held out to her "Thank you, First Enchanter." 

"It goes without saying that you shall not discuss the harrowing with those who have not undergone the rite." Akroma nodded in agreement, not feeling any guilt over the lie. "Now then... take your time to rest, or study in the library. The day is yours."

Sighing, Irving rubbed his temple. "Now if you'll both excuse me, I have matters to discuss with Gregoire." He made a vague movement with his hand in the direction of the hall. 'Would you be so kind as to escort Duncan back to his room, child?"

"Of course". She said, smiling at Irving, whom, at that moment, she would have happily set on fire.

"Come this way Sir Warden" Akroma instructed, then with purposeful steps guided him out of the room and down the hall toward the library.

"Thank you for walking with me. I'm glad for the company"

"I've always done what Irving has asked of me." Akroma answered quietly. 

"I'm sure Irving is very proud to have had you as a pupil" 

She nodded and said nothing. She knew herself to be a mask-wearer extraordinaire. Almost no one knew a dark thought had ever traversed her mind. To most, she gave off a look of serene calm. Wherever she went, she was considered to be polite, studious, someone who was not a threat. It had taken a great deal of curation to create that image.

It was a short walk and they arrived quickly. “We're here” Akroma gestured to his door.

Akroma turned to leave. She could make her way back to the dormitory. Maybe seek out Jowan and find out what had been bothering him. But something in her said to stay. Something called for her to satisfy the burning need inside her to _know_.

"Why were Irving and Gregoire arguing about the war," she said softly.

"It's not my place to comment"

"I would like to know." The logical part of her wondered why she would even consider questioning him. Logic told her to turn on her heels and flee, but that presence deep inside her urged her on.

The warden blinked back at her, in what Akroma thought was surprise, “Then I shall speak frankly. Gregoire serves the Chantry, and the relationship between the Chantry and mages has always been… strained" Akroma waited for the warden to continue. "I'm sure you've realised by now that Chantry merely tolerates magic." His statement didn’t have the uptilt of a question, and yet she nodded anyway. "They watch only because they feel they must"

"And that was all they were arguing about...?" Akroma prodded gently.

"Any mages that join the King's army can unleash their full power on the darkspawn." The warden chuckled, "In fact I'm counting on it." Then, abruptly, his expression turned serious. "Gregoire may be afraid of what will happen. What if mages decide they no longer wish to be governed by the Chantry?"

She didn’t know what possessed her but Akroma sidled closer, and asked "What are your opinions on the matter?"

"I believe we must defeat the darkspawn, one way or the other. My opinion ends there"

A wave of anger washed over her, and wrapped itself around her like a tourniquet. Akroma tried to breathe. She tried to tell herself to get a proper breath. Inhale. Exhale. The simplest of a body’s functions. And she could not do it. The air remained lodged, painful in her chest. The warden was no different than any other person she’d known in her life—cold, unfeeling, and happy to ignore the injustice mages face unless it served them.

Akroma forced herself to take a deep breath, then met the warden’s eyes. She smiled, not allowing the bitterness to seep into her words but displaying it plainly on her face. "You have that luxury" She squared her shoulders and continued to smile the tight little smile she had come to perform so well, and politely said, "I have just remembered that I have an urgent task.”

He nodded and bowed. “Then I wish you a good day, my lady. I'm sorry to have kept you"

"Yes, so am I." And with that, she left, before her anger could engulf her completely.


	8. Jowan and Lily

Akroma strode down the hall, her fingers clenched— indeed, the sharp little pinpricks of her nails were the perfect accompaniment to the bitterness inside her at that moment. 

She breathed deep and called upon the coolness emanating off the stone walls, upon the cold air that surrounded her, and let it soak into her skin and her whole being. Akroma let the cold numb her body and mind, finding a welcome relief as she felt her self-control immediately reassert itself.

Then a familiar voice interrupted her thoughts. "I'm glad I caught up with you. Are you done talking with Irving?" Partly relieved, partly annoyed by the interruption Akroma turned to face Jowan. "I need to talk to you." He looked nervous, "Do you remember what we discussed this morning?" 

"Of course" 

"We should go somewhere else." he whispered, glancing around self-consciously. "I don't feel safe talking here." Akroma nodded. Templar eyes were everywhere, even when not visible.

Jowan gestured for her to follow "Come with me, please"

Akroma was confused when Jowan led her into the room set aside for prayer and the occasional service. Neither herself or Jowan were particularly devout. But for their purposes it should suffice, it was empty and the corner they occupied had little to no echo.

"We should be safe here" he muttered.

"What's going on?" Akroma watched Jowan, her expression serious, but with a half-concerned, half-affectionate look that was reserved solely for him.

"A few months ago I told you I… met a girl." Actually ever since Jowan had told her that he had met someone, he’d been entirely fixated. Akroma had never seen him so besotted before. She couldn’t deny that a part of her was jealous. Not because of Jowan—he was like a brother—but of what they had. Akroma wanted that, wanted to meet someone who’d make her sound so ridiculously in love when she talked about them. Though she saw little hope for herself.

Jowan was smiling like a fool as he said "This is Lily" Then an Initiatie stepped forward from the shadows of an alcove.

"Hello" she greeted with a shy smile.

Akroma opened her mouth and closed it. She smiled, searching for words. For the right words. Instead, unable to find them, decided on friendly sarcasm "My condolences, Lily"

It certainly wasn't perfect but it was casual and better than then her instinctual response to hit Jowan for his stupidity. She was happy for them, truly, but a mage having a relationship with a chantry Initiate could lead to serious trouble... for the mage. Akroma feared what could happen to her friend should they be caught, or if this ended poorly.

Jowan rolled his eyes, then said with a smile and a sigh. "Very funny"

Akroma allowed herself to examine Lily. She really was lovely: blond, pale and serene. Akroma could understand the attraction.

"So what's this all about?" If they asked her here just to assist them have secret meetings she was going to have to refuse. There was just no way, not now that Akroma knew that the girl was a Chantry Initiate. Akroma would already have to fight the urge to discourage the relationship.

"Remember how I said I didn't think they wanted to give me my Harrowing? I know why. They're… going to make me Tranquil." Jowan couldn’t possibly mean…that. But the longer she stared at Jowan, who looked very pale and very scared, any remaining hope that Jowan meant something else disappeared. 

“They're going to make you tranquil” she parroted, her words coming as if down a distant hall. All the while panic crested in a wave that threatened to drag her under.

"They'll take everything that I am from me. My dreams, hopes, fears… my love for Lily. All gone..."

Her jaw clenched, Akroma turned her face away, trying to gather her chaotic thoughts into some semblance of order. The last thing Jowan needed right now was to see how much his words had terrified her.

“No,” she rasped. “That can't… They wouldn't….." Akroma forced herself to look at Jowan. "How did you find out about this?"

Lily stepped forward "I saw the document on Gregoire's table."

“Are you sure?” Akroma asked, her voice thready and weak. This was the worst thing that could have happened. If it was true.

"Yes. It authorised the rite on Jowan…. and it was signed by Irving" 

"Why would they do this?" Akroma whispered, hating the quaver in her voice. Akroma’s pulse seemed to stop, her breath freezing in her lungs, everything hesitating as she waited for Jowan's reply. The moment felt important. Like a great secret was about to be released.

"There... is a rumour about me. People think I'm a blood mage. They think making me a circle mage will endanger everyone"

"What are we going to do?" She touched a hand to the wall, steadying herself as a wave of nausea and dizziness made her sway. Even the whisper of blood magic had the Templars and Senior Enchanters on edge. They would never take the risk of allowing a suspected blood mage into the Circle. Whether there was evidence of the claim or not.

"I need to escape. Destroy my phylactery. Without it they can't track me down. We need your help, Lily and I can't do this on our own"

Lily stepped forward, her shoulders squared and head held high "Give us your word you will help, and only then will we tell you what we intend" 

"You have my word, Lily" The weight of responsibility settled heavily on Akroma’s shoulders. It was the only thin thread that kept her from giving in to the panic tearing at the corners of her mind. It re-established a purpose. Purpose was good. It kept her from giving into despair. Together they would prevent this 

Lily gripped her hand "Thank you, we will never forget this," her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Removing her hand from Lily's and pushing down the emotions she felt rising at the girls words, Akroma said "Tell me your plan and make it quick" 

Lily explained that she could get them access to the repository but that they couldn't get past the locks. It required two keys and the First Enchanter and Knight Commander each held one. There was no way they could steal both without getting caught.

"But it is just a door. There is Power enough in this place to destroy all of Ferelden. What is a door to a mage?" Lily's smile was hopeful as she looked at Akroma.

"Are you suggesting we break through?" Akroma eyed them both skeptically. She may officially be a mage of the Circle, but Jowan was more than aware her skills were limited to primal ice spells and entropic magics. She could not break through a lock, a lock most likely specifically designed to prevent mages doing just that.

"I once saw a rod of fire melt a lock. You could get one from the stockroom." Jowan suggested. 

"And this is why you need my help. Owain won't release such things to apprentices." With a sigh she said "Then let's not waste anymore time. I'll go get one." Akroma tried hard not to think about the consequences of this. They would get the rod; that was the first step. And if she got caught, then… She shoved the thought away from the forefront of her mind. Dark thoughts would swallow her whole if she let them.

"I'll be back soon." Akroma said with a confident smile. Well, she thought she was smiling. She hoped she was smiling. Her face hurt, so she must be. 

"Good luck, our prayers go with you" she heard Lily whisper as she was walking away.

She walked out into the hall. Headed towards the library. Made her way to the stacks. When she reached the dark alcove she sought, she felt her throat work as she tried to swallow the painful lump that seemed to have lodged itself there. She couldn’t. A terrible, choked sound came from her throat. Her chest began to heave. She pressed her hands to her eyes and breathed in, breathed out. It was possible to control her breathing if she kept it shallow. If she concentrated on every breath, she knew she would manage to calm before her self-control shattered.

After a few terrifying minutes she was able to find the control she needed. “I won’t let you down,” she whispered into the darkness of the alcove. She would not allow this to happen. She would do her damnedest to prevent it. By any means necessary.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :) I adore my Akroma and I've been obsessing so it was time to write it out lol You can find me on tumblr @fade-and-loathing-in-thedas if you want to chat fanfic, da or whatever


End file.
